02/26/2022 every day i mourn giving up on my dream to go to art school. cycled through about 3 prospective majors, constantly worrying over if what i was going to do would make enough $$$ to support myself. i dunno, i just miss that bright-eyed kid who took a full load of art classes ... i even wish i stayed in high school, my art teacher wanted me to stay and build a portfolio, he even wanted me to stay and take his class like, like i'd just go to hs for art and do whatever else i wanted to do on the side, i miss it so much, i hate that i can't draw anymore

02/28/2022 thinking about mabels yogurt ranking video and i want trader joes french village cream line whole milk yogurt now

02/28/2022 a bit ago my friend messaged me someones icon and asked if i knew what this cat was... it was dayan... i really hope dayan doesn't become cult famous like nekojiru... well, i'm happy that dayan has fans, but i also want him to be MINE!!!!!

03/29/2022 MASTER OF NONE....

03/29/2022 YOGURTUPDATE: i did not get trader joes french village cream line whole milk yogurt because it was not at my trader joes but i got brown cow cream top whole milk yogurt which slays + 2lb strawberry @ $1.99 which is a steal

04/01/2022 it's been more than a week since i lost my apple pen and i think i'm starting to go a little crazy...

04/21/2022 a heart that's full up like a landfill... a job that slowly kiiiiills you...

05/15/2022 Currently in the bathroom crying because Buyee was down so I couldn't buy THIS FUCKING ETC OP I LOVED SO MUCH BUT WAS HESITANT BECAUSE IM SHORT ON MONEY AND THEN SOMEONE BOUGHT IT ADN THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IS SELLING IT FOR 15,000 YEN. PLEASE STOP THIS. I'm not going to buy it for that price when I could have gotten it for 6,000.... but I'm so....

03/06/2022 @ 11:47 PM / on overhearing conversations at the bookstore, pony quest

I went to the bookstore to finish my logic homework today. I like overhearing others' conversations while I study - there's always this really friendly employee who I see often. They're always there when I visit! They must work a lot. They have long hair, and they're always wearing this long black pleated skirt with a few straps and pouches hanging off of it. Apparently when they lived in Carmichael and worked together with a friend, they'd listen to audiobooks together during the commute.

After I finished my homework, I had planned to go to Goodwill since I saw a really cute light pink jacket (with a star pattern on the inside of the hood) the last time I was there. It was a little thin, though, which is why I left it behind last visit. But they close early on Sunday, and I was too busy doing homework to go. I'll go tomorrow, after my orthodontist appointment! I wish I could get light pink ties for my braces, but since they don't have that color, I will stick with light blue. I noticed my teeth have gotten pretty yellow, though :[ and one of my front teeth has a little indent in it because I would always bite my nails and it wittled away the bone. Ah... we can't be perfect, can we?

Anyway, I want to look for more MLP plushies or figures at Goodwill - I hope to find some old G1-G3 ponies. I feel a little silly being 18 years old in the kids' section (I also look in the kids' section for clothes sometimes, that's where I found that jacket) but I've found a lot of good stuff over the years. I get lots of my cargo pants from the boys' section since men's clothes don't fit, usually... Or, it's just hard to find a variety of styles in my size.

I also browsed some cute Mother Garden stuff and made a sideblog for it. I really like this strawberry chair, and even though I have enough to buy it, I am saving money (and I am unemployed, so it is hard to come by)... My room is already so messy as it is! Maybe when I move out, I'll only bring a few things I like with me, to keep things neat.

03/08/2022 @ 5:24 PM / thrift finds, gas prices, interview tomorrow

Did statistics homework today and yesterday. I found these pink furry ankle boots at goodwill, they look similar to the winter boots I have now, except shorter and well, pink. I'm excited to pair them with some of my cuter, cream and pink colored clothes! They also have little pom poms on the ends of the laces. The fur has yellowed out a Lot, and I want to bleach them a little so they look cleaner. I'll update this post with pictures when I get less busy. I also bought a brown knit scarf... and I [BOUGHT] two pairs of fuzzy pajama shorts, and a skirt from someone's old school uniform. I didn't find the light pink jacket I saw last time though, but I wasn't expecting it - things are usually gone after a few weeks. I did find a Pinkie Pie toyset, but I didn't buy it :[ ... No plushes or old-gen ponies, sadly... I will continue looking every trip! ^_^/ (me cheering myself on)

I need to practice logic more... I need to do Everything more. Logic is a good class to take for, let's say, computer science (lots of computer science students in my class, hmm...) but I don't think it will have any practical application in social work. It's in UCB's recommended courses for transfer as a Psych major. Can't get into UCB anyway, though, they cut enrollment (not that my chances were too good anyway). I still don't know what the fuck I want to do - I can't imagine myself being a therapist. Well, it's hard to imagine yourself doing something you've only read about doing, I haven't gotten an internship or even volunteered at a crisis hotline (which is something I want to do, next semester maybe). I like CS, I'm just not smart enough and I don't have passion for working at some black-hole of a tech company. I'd rather work someplace where my actions have a direct impact on those around me, I want to make others' lives better, or more tolerable - maybe that's why I want to be a therapist.

Paid for my own gas for the first time today. It cost $40 to fill my tank, and by the time I got home from class, my tank was already. A fourth gone!!!!!!! That was $10!!!! For going to class once!!!! Why did I enroll in a class that's a town over. Ugh... before I had to pay for gas, I really underestimated how much it took to drive on the freeway for 30 minutes. And I have to stick with this class twice a week for (a little less than) three months. That's like, 10 weeks, 20 trips, $200. I sold so much shit, just to get $350, and now it feels like I'm back to square one. I really need a job man.

I have an interview tomorrow for a burger place. Swore I'd never work fast food again, but I miss burgers. And maybe i'll eat more. They don't have a drive-thru, and you don't need to stand outside and take orders, so I think this place will be more... bearable.

03/10/2022 @ 1:55 AM / new job, same old shit

I was too exhausted after my interview to write a journal entry. Interview was really casual, got interviewed with a girl and didn't have to talk about lots of the shit I was fearing about talking about (hosital, why I quit my old job, how long I was planning to work). Going in for onboarding tomorrow. The last job I had under my deadname so I really don't know if i'll be outing myself at work by showing up with my legal documentation in some other name, having to explain nobody calls me ********* and having to request another name on my tag, etc... Nerve-wracking.

03/12/2022 @ 3:06 PM / *smiles cutely*

So Thursday fucking sucked:

>be me
>go to chem lab
>crucible lid randomly breaks during experiment and we have to redo the entire thing over again
>we barely finish in time
>i start driving home
>im going too fast on this winding rural road and one of my wheels slides off the near side
>i literally go swerving and end up doing a 180 and crashing into a tree down a hill on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROAD
>while accessing the damage my phone falls out of my pocket and i don't notice
>dent down the passenger side of my car, suspension broke, i have to get it towed but my phone is dead anyway and i borrow someone else's
>luckily i get it towed and make it to onboarding for my job "somewhat on time"
>crying like the whole drive
>guy mishears my last name and we redo the forms like 4 times because it won't work
>wants to quit job already and ended up emailing them and saying my mom got sick and i can't work (lie)


I don't know anything. I feel like I'm getting younger every year - I've been getting younger ever since I was 14. I don't think I've ever passed that 14-year-old maturity level. At least when I was - when I was 14 I could talk to people somewhat normally, like, I was still seen as the weird loner kid but at least I was a loner who talked to more people than I do now.

03/31/2022 @ 6:15 PM / you've got mail

I went on a bike ride yesterday to drop off some packages! I put them all in my messenger bag, which actually is not the best idea, I should wear a backpack for biking... it made me feel like derpy?! If only I had the derpy hooves messenger bag HT sold back in 2013... my quality of life would improve greatly. Then I decided to just explore some bike trails, and I got a little lost but eventually found my way home! There's a little creek too, and I got to wash my hands in the water.

Something stuck with me, that biking and walking forces you to be present in the moment and take in the scenery, the sights, the smells... it never occured to me how isolating car culture can be, and I can definitely see myself biking instead of driving places if I lived in a large city where everything was within biking distance.

04/17 UPDATE: DERPY HOOVES MESSENGER BAG OBTAINED! I won an auction for it for $65, which was more than I would have liked to pay, but I really really really wanted it. I ended up paying $80 including shipping and tax... but I'm so happy!

04/17/2022 @ 10:55 PM / gwah! accepted into university...

Long time no see...? I decided to return to my site with the exciting news that I have been accepted into UCI for Psychological Science :3 I'm relieved, as I thought I wouldn't get into any schools I applied to. I'm still waiting on decisions from a few other schools, which should be out by May 1! The day I noticed I was accepted I spent the night looking though the professors, the research opportunities, things like that... but now my sleeping pill is kicking in since I need to be up by 7 AM tomorrow. Bye-bye!

04/21 UPDATE: I got into UCB! Haha... brings back memories when I was 15 and my dad was like, "You can't get into Berkeley, it's for smart people like [REDACTED]!" and I promptly went to my art professor's office hours and cried about it. Not looking forward to the cost of living though!!!! But I'm sooo excited to finally be closer to the Angelic Pretty and BTSSB Stores... I still don't have a proper petti, or lolita shoes, though... DX. When I bought my dress (I only have one) I was working and okay spending a lot of money, but now I'm very stingy!

04/25/2022 @ 3:20 PM / feeling unsatisfied

Feeling unsatisfied with my site for some reason or another - I feel like it is not very "readable", maybe it is the font or because it feels like everything is jam-packed together...? Am I the only one who feels this way? I wonder if I should just make a simple base code for all my pages so the text takes center-stage, and just have a "back" arrow to bring you back to the home page to explore other links (rather than keep the same sidebar). Or I could just make the sidebar less intrusive. The good thing about my layout now is that all my content is pretty much Just Text, so if I want to change layouts I can just mess with my CSS a bit and my index.html. I also think the background and the foreground are both very light, and I'd like to distinguish my text somehow. I'm so new to webdev that I really have no clue what I'm doing!

But, I still feel very attached to this layout. Deep down I don't want to change it.

05/04/2022 @ 1:07 PM / wife visiting!!!!!!!

My wife* is visiting me for two weeks! I'm not sure when I started calling her my wife, as we are not officially 'dating' at least to most people we know, it's just something that has... stuck? And I suppose we've broken up and gotten together enough to the point where we know that we are basically well, stuck together - twin flames or soulmates or whatever you'd like to call it, we always find eachother again. Although our relationship has been tumultuous, I'm happy to show my unabashed excitement. I love her and she loves me, and that's what matters - whether we are dating, best friends, or just very important people to eachother ^_^. We're planning to go thrifting, go on picnics (we really want to make one of those charcuterie boards), to the lake and just around my town. And grocery shopping! I know it sounds mundane, but I love it! We also want to go to Japantown and I'll drag her along with me to the Angelic Pretty and Baby, The Stars Shine Bright stores in SF...

It has been upsetting to me though, that whenever I mention her it goes ignored by my other friends. I have a private twitter with a few people and when I post about her my friends passive-aggressively vague her or just ignore it. I know they don't have the best experiences with her, because they used to be friends and it didn't work out, but that happens sometimes, doesn't it? It's not like it ended because she was... a terrible person or something like that. One of my friends that used to be friends with her really dislikes the idea of us being together, and it's one reason why there is some severed trust. I just wish they would be happy that I'm happy with her... I know they probably do not see me this way anymore, but I don't want to be seen as weak for being in love, or that I'm too mentally ill to be in a relationship... sometimes it seems like the only one who's seen my progress is me, you know? And 'getting over' a past partner isn't an ideal for me - I love being in love, why would I want to lose that?

the well kittens