Welcome to my diary...? Right now, I separate "Diary" and "Writings" because I aim to keep my creative work, essays and such separate from my personal writing. So, if you don't care about what happens in my life, don't read this! It's kind of embarrassing, if I'm being honest!

By clicking entries, you will find an index of my main diary entries. There are tags for different topics in the menu to the left if you find them troublesome to sort through. There are also bite-sized ramblings, quick little rambles that I'd post to Twitter or something if I still used it. Have fun!

an admission of need


Can’t Help Myself, by Sun Yuan & Peng Yu

When I first heard about "Can't Help Myself" I thought it was about need. A machine (person) who keeps on needing, trying to grasp the unattainable, for no reason at all. But that's how art criticism works when you're young. You're not quite worldly yet, so you see everything through the lens of your own personal context. Nobody can really say how long it persists. It takes a silly, almost shameful level of self-obsession to look at such a deliberate work of art (which certainly has a message greater than one's self) and to say: I think this is about me.

(But is there anything wrong with that?) (You could say universality is the aim of all art.)

Recently, I've been thinking about detachment (as in asceticism) and avarice. They don't exist parallel to eachother, but rather, directly above and below. underneath the veil of detachment lies an ardent need. It's scary. It's like a monster. You don't want it to get too big, or it'll destroy the fortress of self-preservation & reliance you've painstakingly crafted. To re-attach yourself to the outside world would be like opening the floodgates. You don't really want to need, either; to need means to resign yourself to the push-and-pull, the reciprocal, natural duty you have in relationships. You don't want anyone to expect anything of you. You can't fulfill it. So you curl into yourself, into a trench of self-obsession; that's avarice.

(You speak in 2nd person because you don't really want to claim ownership of what you're thinking.)

The 'avarice' of the 5 is about 'holding back' and 'holding in'. It is a fearful grasping, in the belief that letting go would cause catastrophe. The 5 'hoards' emotions, energy, resources, and self, out of a fear and experience of impending impoverishment. [...] Their inner polarity is between pathological detachment and holding on. The 5 hides their neediness behind a stoic veil of indifference, resignation, and renunciation. They are detached, withdrawn, and obsessive. (src.)

I think that inherently, I'm an obsessive person. Whenever I lose someone, I fall deep into the realm of obsessiveness. Not with people, but with myself; with building myself up after that loss, to somehow remake myself around the absence. I've been reading, creating, I feel empty otherwise. No, I still feel empty. you know you can't replace love with something else.

(I'm sorry for acting like I was okay with losing you.)

So I'm telling you that I need it - love. And forgiveness and softness and that I'm sorry it's so dreadful being friends with me & I really do love you. And I'm not just saying it. I've realized my self-concept is largely defined by others. If I act unexpectedly, it feels - fake. Uncanny. Disjointed. Does this make any sense at all? I feel like I'm lying. Even if I'm not. So I'm saying it here, I'm writing out my love inbetween these lines. Like an annotation.

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winter obsessions


hourlies (2021), mabel ye

(whispering softly) i do this to my cat too. ah... cats all over the world are held hostage listening to our obsessions

i enjoy following my thought process especially when i get carried away and go down web-rabbitholes. yesterday, i saw a video of someone wearing a mimikyu onesie (very cute), was overcome with the urge to buy it, then i realized i might want a onesie that's not mimikyu, right, i was looking at gloomy onesies a while ago, so i started browsing mercari for gloomy kigurumi. (they were all gone) then, i started looking for other pokemon onesies. leafeon is very cute. if i was an eeveelution i would want to be leafeon. but i've also been told i'm like glaceon! anyway, i was absentmindedly searching 'kigurumi' on mercari (in english, i don't usually do this) and i came across this cute little guy!

really cute, right?! i love seeing the different way artists stylize cats (nekojiru, etc). the artist is akiko ikeda, she also writes picture books with these cats, such as 'dayan's birthday'! the dayan franchise also has plushies, phone cases, ceramics, even mochikororin... ahhh!!! in my searches i've even found life-size statues and fursuit cosplays of the characters. i didn't know it was so popular! i'll talk more about akiko ikeda in the section, since this is just my journal heheh :'3.

i've also been very into kaiji... i've read so many chapters! i'm at one-poker hen right now. i think fukumoto-san inadvertantly invented gay romance (HOLDING UP A SIGN THAT SAYS 'KAIJI IS BL. YOU GUYS JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET'). it's likely fkmt wrote kazuya as simply pessimistic when it comes to romance, which he is (i think he has an unconventional conception of it, he's attracted to people based on how challenging they are rather than how kindly they treat him or how conventionally attractive they might be). when he was younger, he seemed to hang around lots of women due to social obligation or, because they just threw themselves at his feet being hyoudou's son. for instance, when he said that 'it was probably just the alcohol and the women, but i felt like i had real friends'. they're like chess pieces, he's offering money & women & booze to The Guys so he can actually feel close to someone. especially considering his novel, i think he views all women as shallow & incapable of loving, so he wouldn't be open to relationships with them anyway.

i also got the new pokemon remake on switch (shining pearl)! yay! slowly making my way through it. my team changes every second because i want to finish the pokedex, so i keep switching out pokemon to level them up. went to daiso in sacramento and got some cute things. grid notebook perfect for kanji practice, rilakkuma alcohol wipes, little page markers for my books, cat socks. i actually don't have a car right now, because my dad periodically sells every car he has so the only working ones are his & my mom's. but when i DO get my own, i want to tidy it up and put my little hamster air freshener in it.

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pony quest #1

03/06/2022 @ 11:47 PM

I went to the bookstore to finish my logic homework today. I like overhearing others' conversations while I study - there's always this really friendly employee who I see often. They're always there when I visit! They must work a lot. They have long hair, and they're always wearing this long black pleated skirt with a few straps and pouches hanging off of it. Apparently when they lived in Carmichael and worked together with a friend, they'd listen to audiobooks together during the commute.

After I finished my homework, I had planned to go to Goodwill since I saw a really cute light pink jacket (with a star pattern on the inside of the hood) the last time I was there. It was a little thin, though, which is why I left it behind last visit. But they close early on Sunday, and I was too busy doing homework to go. I'll go tomorrow, after my orthodontist appointment! I wish I could get light pink ties for my braces, but since they don't have that color, I will stick with light blue. I noticed my teeth have gotten pretty yellow, though :[ and one of my front teeth has a little indent in it because I would always bite my nails and it wittled away the bone. Ah... we can't be perfect, can we?

Anyway, I want to look for more MLP plushies or figures at Goodwill - I hope to find some old G1-G3 ponies. I feel a little silly being 18 years old in the kids' section (I also look in the kids' section for clothes sometimes, that's where I found that jacket) but I've found a lot of good stuff over the years. I get lots of my cargo pants from the boys' section since men's clothes don't fit, usually... Or, it's just hard to find a variety of styles in my size.

I also browsed some cute Mother Garden stuff and made a sideblog for it. I really like this strawberry chair, and even though I have enough to buy it, I am saving money (and I am unemployed, so it is hard to come by)... My room is already so messy as it is! Maybe when I move out, I'll only bring a few things I like with me, to keep things neat.

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thrift finds, gas prices, interview tomorrow

03/08/2022 @ 5:24 PM

Did statistics homework today and yesterday. I found these pink furry ankle boots at goodwill, they look similar to the winter boots I have now, except shorter and well, pink. I'm excited to pair them with some of my cuter, cream and pink colored clothes! They also have little pom poms on the ends of the laces. The fur has yellowed out a Lot, and I want to bleach them a little so they look cleaner. I'll update this post with pictures when I get less busy.

I also bought a brown knit scarf... and I [BOUGHT] two pairs of fuzzy pajama shorts, and a skirt from someone's old school uniform. I didn't find the light pink jacket I saw last time though, but I wasn't expecting it - things are usually gone after a few weeks. I did find a Pinkie Pie toyset, but I didn't buy it :[ ... No plushes or old-gen ponies, sadly... I will continue looking every trip! ^_^/ (me cheering myself on)

I need to practice logic more... I need to do Everything more. Logic is a good class to take for, let's say, computer science (lots of computer science students in my class, hmm...) but I don't think it will have any practical application in social work. It's in UCB's recommended courses for transfer as a Psych major. Can't get into UCB anyway, though, they cut enrollment (not that my chances were too good anyway). I still don't know what the fuck I want to do - I can't imagine myself being a therapist. Well, it's hard to imagine yourself doing something you've only read about doing, I haven't gotten an internship or even volunteered at a crisis hotline (which is something I want to do, next semester maybe). I like CS, I'm just not smart enough and I don't have passion for working at some black-hole of a tech company. I'd rather work someplace where my actions have a direct impact on those around me, I want to make others' lives better, or more tolerable - maybe that's why I want to be a therapist.

Paid for my own gas for the first time today. It cost $40 to fill my tank, and by the time I got home from class, my tank was already. A fourth gone!!!!!!! That was $10!!!! For going to class once!!!! Why did I enroll in a class that's a town over. Ugh... before I had to pay for gas, I really underestimated how much it took to drive on the freeway for 30 minutes. And I have to stick with this class twice a week for (a little less than) three months. That's like, 10 weeks, 20 trips, $200. I sold so much shit, just to get $350, and now it feels like I'm back to square one. I really need a job man.

I have an interview tomorrow for a burger place. Swore I'd never work fast food again, but I miss burgers. And maybe I'll eat more. They don't have a drive-thru, and you don't need to stand outside and take orders, so I think this place will be more... bearable.

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*smiles cutely*

03/12/2022 @ 3:06 PM

So Thursday fucking sucked:

>be me
>go to chem lab
>crucible lid randomly breaks during experiment and we have to redo the entire thing over again
>we barely finish in time
>i start driving home
>im going too fast on this winding rural road and one of my wheels slides off the near side
>i literally go swerving and end up doing a 180 and crashing into a tree down a hill on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROAD
>while accessing the damage my phone falls out of my pocket and i don't notice
>dent down the passenger side of my car, suspension broke, i have to get it towed but my phone is dead anyway and i borrow someone else's
>luckily i get it towed and make it to onboarding for my job "somewhat on time"
>crying like the whole drive
>guy mishears my last name and we redo the forms like 4 times because it won't work
>wants to quit job already and ended up emailing them and saying my mom got sick and i can't work (lie)


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you've got mail

03/31/2022 @ 6:15 PM

I went on a bike ride yesterday to drop off some packages! I put them all in my messenger bag, which actually is not the best idea, I should wear a backpack for biking... it made me feel like Derpy! If only I had the Derpy Hooves messenger bag HT sold back in 2013... my quality of life would improve greatly. Then I decided to just explore some bike trails, and I got a little lost but eventually found my way home! There's a little creek too, and I got to wash my hands in the water.

Something stuck with me, that biking and walking forces you to be present in the moment and take in the scenery, the sights, the smells... it never occured to me how isolating car culture can be, and I can definitely see myself biking instead of driving places if I lived in a large city where everything was within biking distance.

04/17 UPDATE: DERPY HOOVES MESSENGER BAG OBTAINED! I won an auction for it for $65, which was more than I would have liked to pay, but I really really really wanted it. I ended up paying $80 including shipping and tax... but I'm so happy!

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accepted into university...

04/17/2022 @ 10:55 PM

Long time no see...? I decided to return to my site with the exciting news that I have been accepted into UCI for Psychological Science :3 I'm relieved, as I thought I wouldn't get into any schools I applied to. I'm still waiting on decisions from a few other schools, which should be out by May 1! The day I noticed I was accepted I spent the night looking though the professors, the research opportunities, things like that... but now my sleeping pill is kicking in since I need to be up by 7 AM tomorrow. Bye-bye!

04/21 UPDATE: I got into UCB! Haha... brings back memories when I was 15 and my dad was like, "You can't get into Berkeley, it's for smart people like [REDACTED]!" and I promptly went to my art professor's office hours and cried about it. Not looking forward to the cost of living though!!!! But I'm sooo excited to finally be closer to the Angelic Pretty and BTSSB Stores... I still don't have a proper petti, or lolita shoes, though... DX. When I bought my dress (I only have one) I was working and okay spending a lot of money, but now I'm very stingy!

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feeling unsatisfied

04/25/2022 @ 3:20 PM

The layout which shall not be named.

Feeling unsatisfied with my site for some reason or another - I feel like it is not very "readable", maybe it is the font or because it feels like everything is jam-packed together...? Am I the only one who feels this way? I wonder if I should just make a simple base code for all my pages so the text takes center-stage, and just have a "back" arrow to bring you back to the home page to explore other links (rather than keep the same sidebar). Or I could just make the sidebar less intrusive. The good thing about my layout now is that all my content is pretty much Just Text, so if I want to change layouts I can just mess with my CSS a bit and my index.html. I also think the background and the foreground are both very light, and I'd like to distinguish my text somehow. I'm so new to webdev that I really have no clue what I'm doing!

But, I still feel very attached to this layout. Deep down I don't want to change it.

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wife visiting!!!!!!!

05/04/2022 @ 1:07 PM

My wife* is visiting me for two weeks! I'm not sure when I started calling her my wife, as we are not officially 'dating' at least to most people we know, it's just something that has... stuck? And I suppose we've broken up and gotten together enough to the point where we know that we are basically well, stuck together - twin flames or soulmates or whatever you'd like to call it, we always find eachother again. Although our relationship has been tumultuous, I'm happy to show my unabashed excitement. I love her and she loves me, and that's what matters - whether we are dating, best friends, or just very important people to eachother ^_^. We're planning to go thrifting, go on picnics (we really want to make one of those charcuterie boards), to the lake and just around my town. And grocery shopping! I know it sounds mundane, but I love it! We also want to go to Japantown and I'll drag her along with me to the Angelic Pretty and Baby, The Stars Shine Bright stores in SF...

Baby the Stars Shine Bright
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restoring an old btssb headbow!

06/17/2022 @ 3:55 AM

Wife left 10 days ago... I'm still recovering, I was totally living in the moment and didn't update my site once while she was here! There's so much to write about, but I've been preoccupied with coding a new about page, among other things. [M] is really into The Owl House so I've been watching it as I code... I can actually multitask coding and watching a show quite well, but it's harder to focus on what the characters are saying when I also have to deal with what I'M saying, as I unintentionally repeat every word I type (mentally, of course) as I write a diary entry.

Anyway, exciting news! My package from Japan did arrive while she was here! Not-so-exciting news: the BTSSB headbow I received was far more yellow in real life, compared to the pictures. In my defense, the seller mentioned yellowing in the middle of the headbow, but not on the lace. Unfortunately, I did not take my own 'before' pictures of the headbow. But, if you focus on the color of the lace relative to the pink in the seller's pictures, then it may be more obvious.

EGL Livejournal thread from 2008 to the rescue! My wife and I ended up going to Walmart to find some oxyclean. We also got some air freshener, with a mixed berry scent... it smells so fruity and nice, and not artifical at all! Anyway, I tried making a condensed paste with the oxyclean, like someone in the thread said. I scrubbed the paste into the lace with a toothbrush for 5 minutes, but... nothing seemed to have happened. She suggested to soak it in an oxyclean solution in a larger bowl... since oxyclean doesn't have bleach in it, I figured it wouldn't affect the shade of pink on the bow. Thankfully, it didn't, and the lace came out much whiter than I could have expected after soaking the bow in the solution for about 1-2 hours. The solution was so yellow afterwards... it's incredible how all of that came out of the lace.

Unfortunately, this oxyclean-infused stupor ended when I tried this same method to whiten the fur on some pink furry boots I had gotten from the thrift (see "pony quest #1"). I KNOW... I SOAKED BOOTS IN OXYCLEAN. The boots were actually much more dirty than expected, and the oxyclean worked a little too well. The dirt from the inside of the shoe permeated through and stained the entire shoe a few shades darker. I don't know if it's entirely that, it could have also just been simple water damage. A lot went wrong! At least the fur trim is white though! (cope) But the shoes were $12, so I will try not to worry about it...

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Welcome to my diary...? Right now, I separate "Diary" and "Writings" because I aim to keep my creative work, essays and such separate from my personal writing. So, if you don't care about what happens in my life, don't read this! It's kind of embarrassing, if I'm being honest!

By clicking entries, you will find an index of my main diary entries. There are tags for different topics in the menu to the left if you find them troublesome to sort through. There are also bite-sized ramblings, quick little rambles that I'd post to Twitter or something if I still used it. Have fun!

06/15/2022 i have never had a good high. i still feel groggy and out of it
05/15/2022 currently in the bathroom crying because buyee was down so i couldn't buy THIS FUCKING ETC OP I LOVED SO MUCH BUT WAS HESITANT BECAUSE IM SHORT ON MONEY AND THEN SOMEONE BOUGHT IT ADN THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IS SELLING IT FOR 15,000 YEN. PLEASE STOP THIS. i'm not going to buy it for that price when i could have gotten it for 6,000.... but i'm so....
04/21/2022 a heart that's full up like a landfill... a job that slowly kiiiiills you...
04/01/2022 it's been more than a week since i lost my apple pen and i think i'm starting to go a little crazy...
03/29/2022 YOGURTUPDATE: i did not get trader joes french village cream line whole milk yogurt because it was not at my trader joes but i got brown cow cream top whole milk yogurt which slays + 2lb strawberry @ $1.99 which is a steal
03/29/2022 jack of some master of none
02/28/2022 a bit ago my friend messaged me someones icon and asked if i knew what this cat was... it was dayan... i really hope dayan doesn't become cult famous like nekojiru... well, i'm happy that dayan has fans, but i also want him to be MINE!!!!!
02/28/2022 thinking about mabels yogurt ranking video and i want trader joes french village cream line whole milk yogurt now
02/26/2022 every day i mourn giving up on my dream to go to art school. cycled through about 3 prospective majors, constantly worrying over if what i was going to do would make enough $$$ to support myself. i dunno, i just miss that bright-eyed kid who took a full load of art classes ... i even wish i stayed in high school, my art teacher wanted me to stay and build a portfolio, he even wanted me to stay and take his class like, like i'd just go to hs for art and do whatever else i wanted to do on the side, i miss it so much, i hate that i can't draw anymore
02/09/2022 'with you its always whos the victim' ah... i may have a problem
12/23/2021 i'm always trying to find meaning in things, but it's hard. i haven't really been keeping in touch with anyone in real life either. they're all going to berkeley & partying & they actually have people to hang out on halloween w/. whenever i hang out w/ my friend after a long time i'm surprised at how much i struggle doing Normal Person Things like talking without stuttering or keeping a conversation going. i often feel like a different person. i hate my voice again!!!!! i don't know if i want it to be deeper or if i just want it to be More Comfortable. i often feel like i'm talking too loud, but i know i'm not, because people have a hard time hearing me, but when you're constantly trying to project your voice, it comes out weird and doesn't really sound like you. i really feel like i could only talk to one person without hating every inch of myself & if i'm mentally ill for that, well. that's okay. i think so.
12/17/2021 i burnt through 2 seasons of kaiji and im reading the manga now. it's so good.
12/11/2021 i talked to [A] about mothers/intergenerational trauma yesterday and it was really nice. and cathartic. wow. maybe my relationship w/ my mother does predispose me to codependency. it's just... funny how i didn't notice this stuff before
12/03/2021 i wish i had a great conception of love. as this pure great thing. that i have an unlimited capacity for. that i don't need in return. that i can just keep on loving & loving and i won't ever get tired of it. i do
12/03/2021 sometimes when i cry i want to tell people i am. despite how unnatural and disjointed it is to tell someone you're crying. why?????? even mention it. look at me. im not emotionless. im proving something.
12/03/2021 i think. theres something so insidious about parents simultaneously infantilizing and pushing adulthood onto their children. depending on what they want. when they want to control you, you're a kid. when they don't want obligation towards you, you're an adult.
12/01/2021 days that blur together. i had the most [i forgot the word to describe it] agonizing conversation with my mom last night (meaning, the night of 11/30, because it's just past midnight and that's why the date of this entry is like that, so from my perspective it's more like tonight, but i wrote last night anyway, because it feels so far away it might as well have been last night), which ended in me crying really loud in the car and laughing and leaving w/ my cheeks still hot and really just pretending that everything is fine.
11/28/2021 applied to UCs 6 days ago. UCLA/UCB/UCI/UCSD. largely on impulse & i didn't exactly choose schools w/ great acceptance rates (i'm really only counting on UCI/UCSD). despite the transfer acceptance rate for UCSD being 50% i still... my mom told me i'm "not a good investment", like i'm. an expired piece of meat. because i talked about going to the hospital. i get it: nobody wants to admit someone who solely defines themselves through their suffering, who Might Possibly Commit Suicide On Their Campus. but what the fuck are people on about? about Hey, it sucks that there's Stigma, but the cold, hard Truth is that Admissions Officers don't want to see (Pause.) "negative" things, like (Pause.) "mental illness". or whatever. i'm about this close to donning a "I HATE NORMAL PEOPLE" shirt. call me conceited. but i'm just as qualified for being at [UNIVERSITY EXPUNGED] as [NAME REDACTED] is. i know i'm capable. i just ... can't prove it. which doesn't count for much. i guess.
11/28/2021 note to self: stay off prestigious circlejerk websites while applying to colleges. don't compromise your integrity for anyone.
11/27/2021 thinking about yoshitomo nara & NEVER FORGET YOUR BEGINNER'S SPIRIT ... expected, almost warranted praise & that out-of-left-field, out-of-the-ballpark-entirely praise which leaves you schoolgirl-giddy are two very different things, and you only get the latter when you're new to A Thing and Very Amateur about it and you don't know the value of your own work outside of the inherent value it has by virtue of being your own
11/27/2021 childish wonder on the mind, i have an ambivalent relationship with being childish / being perceived as such. i'm brainweird and can't divorce childishness from sex & sexual appeal which may be a testament to the ugliness of society or, a testament to the ugliness of the self. it's ingrained in my brain in some way, to be childish. my dad told me i wouldn't "actually" be an adult until 25. i wish i got the respect that came with being "an adult" yet i can't divorce myself from being "a child" without being inauthentic.
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