it's kind of strange touching this blog after 4 months. i don't know what to write. i don't even know if anything is worth writing about. i feel tired and lethargic and i've been laying in my bed catatonic the week after classes. there's stuff i have to do that i haven't done. i haven't seen my therapist in over a month and i think she's going to be on strike for 3 months which is insane, it's insane that it's gotten this bad in the first place and it sucks that it's quite literally kaiser's fault that this is happening, like they didn't have to strike for 3 months, if they just stopped overworking their therapists, i mean. i don't know what cogs are in motion behind the scenes in healthcare so i'm probably not commenting intelligibly on it. but it's just unfair.
i started volunteering at a crisis line a few days ago. it's really nerve-wracking when it feels like i'm not able to help someone, but it's really rewarding when i can. i need to apply to some research positions and i was excited about it at first, and now i feel like it's just a chore. uhhhh ive been living in this new apartment for almost a month now. i haven't explored as much as i'd like, because i am very tired, but i went to this book store that had a sleepy white cat hanging around.... lovely.
i made my first friend irl who is into egl and we're going to angelic pretty next week. i have been eating like shit because i am saving my money for new dresses and skirts and blouses and bags... i really want a bunny ear bonnet and i found one that is *SOMEWHAT* affordable, considering how much they are going for nowadays, and, the yen is weak, so maybe... no! i won't! whenever i can wear a bunny ear bonnet, i can wear a headress, and i love headresses, so i am.......... satisfied.
update: i ended up applying to two research positions, so i hope i get an interview. feeling a little better. talked to my roommate about making ramen together and going to ranch 99. i really wanted to apply for this other lab, but i don't think i have enough experience, so i will wait until i am more qualified...
feeling unsatisfied with my site for some reason or another - i feel like it is not very "readable", maybe it is the font or because it feels like everything is jam-packed together...? am i the only one who feels this way? i wonder if i should just make a simple base code for all my pages so the text takes center-stage, and just have a "back" arrow to bring you back to the home page to explore other links (rather than keep the same sidebar). or i could just make the sidebar less intrusive. the good thing about my layout now is that all my content is pretty much just text, so if i want to change layouts i can just mess with my css a bit and my index.html. i also think the background and the foreground are both very light, and i'd like to distinguish my text somehow. i'm so new to webdev that i really have no clue what i'm doing!
but, i still feel very attached to this layout. deep down i don't want to change it.
i went on a bike ride yesterday to drop off some packages! i put them all in my messenger bag, which actually is not the best idea, i should wear a backpack for biking... it made me feel like derpy! if only i had the derpy hooves messenger bag ht sold back in 2013... my quality of life would improve greatly. then i decided to just explore some bike trails, and i got a little lost but eventually found my way home! there's a little creek too, and i got to wash my hands in the water.
something stuck with me, that biking and walking forces you to be present in the moment and take in the scenery, the sights, the smells... it never occured to me how isolating car culture can be, and i can definitely see myself biking instead of driving places if i lived in a large city where everything was within biking distance.
04/17 update: derpy hooves messenger bag obtained! i won an auction for it for $65, which was more than i would have liked to pay, but i really really really wanted it. i ended up paying $80 including shipping and tax... but i'm so happy!
so thursday fucking sucked:
yesterday i went and found my phone, it was half buried in the dirt next to the tree i hit. i don't know why i thought i could have handled a job when school is already taking up 90% of my time. school isn't even as hard as it used to be - i'm not taking mostly cs/math/physics anymore ... and during onboarding it just dawned on me that - that i can't even talk to other teenagers at a fast food place. i have such a hard time making conversation with them. that it's so hard for me to have a normal conversation with another person. it was just quiet during onboarding, just pure silence, and plus like, everyone wasn't wearing masks and i felt so out of place, like maybe they would think i'm a normal person with a normal face and normal emotions if i took off my mask and they could see me smile or something, but i'm so worried about covid that of course i can't do things like that. i was making conversation with the girl i interviewed with on wednesday, and she kept talking about normal stuff, like wanting to party when she goes to college and that she can't wait until the day she turns 18 so she can get a tattoo, and she was clearly surprised that i was 18 who hasn't done all this stuff yet, even though i technically could. i just said a lot of stuff i didn't mean just because it seemed she wanted to talk about it, like i mentioned how (irl friend who i haven't talked to in months)'s cousin is at ucb and partying every week, getting absolutely shitfaced, and i started talking about how i'd want a tattoo on my ankle but apparently they hurt more there, or wherever your bone is closer to the surface, etc. when i really don't have much interest in getting a tattoo unless i'm getting a matching one. it really feels like every time i talk to someone it's just shallow and forced and i'm not really being myself but i don't know how to be myself.
i don't know anything. i feel like i'm getting younger every year - i've been getting younger ever since i was 14. i don't think i've ever passed that 14-year-old maturity level. at least when i was - when i was 14 i could talk to people somewhat normally, like, i was still seen as the weird loner kid but at least i was a loner who talked to more people than i do now.
did statistics homework today and yesterday. i found these pink furry ankle boots at goodwill, they look similar to the winter boots i have now, except shorter and well, pink. i'm excited to pair them with some of my cuter, cream and pink colored clothes! they also have little pom poms on the ends of the laces. the fur has yellowed out a lot, and i want to bleach them a little so they look cleaner. i'll update this post with pictures when i get less busy.
i also bought a brown knit scarf... and i [bought] two pairs of fuzzy pajama shorts, and a skirt from someone's old school uniform. i didn't find the light pink jacket i saw last time though, but i wasn't expecting it - things are usually gone after a few weeks. i did find a pinkie pie toyset, but i didn't buy it :[ ... no plushes or old-gen ponies, sadly... i will continue looking every trip! ^_^/ (me cheering myself on)
i need to practice logic more... i need to do everything more. logic is a good class to take for, let's say, computer science (lots of computer science students in my class, hmm...) but i don't think it will have any practical application in social work. it's in ucb's recommended courses for transfer as a psych major. can't get into ucb anyway, though, they cut enrollment (not that my chances were too good anyway). i still don't know what the fuck i want to do - i can't imagine myself being a therapist. well, it's hard to imagine yourself doing something you've only read about doing, i haven't gotten an internship or even volunteered at a crisis hotline (which is something i want to do, next semester maybe). i like cs, i'm just not smart enough and i don't have passion for working at some black-hole of a tech company. i'd rather work someplace where my actions have a direct impact on those around me, i want to make others' lives better, or more tolerable - maybe that's why i want to be a therapist.
paid for my own gas for the first time today. it cost $40 to fill my tank, and by the time i got home from class, my tank was already. a fourth gone!!!!!!! that was $10!!!! for going to class once!!!! why did i enroll in a class that's a town over. ugh... before i had to pay for gas, i really underestimated how much it took to drive on the freeway for 30 minutes. and i have to stick with this class twice a week for (a little less than) three months. that's like, 10 weeks, 20 trips, $200. i sold so much shit, just to get $350, and now it feels like i'm back to square one. i really need a job man.
i have an interview tomorrow for a burger place. swore i'd never work fast food again, but i miss burgers. and maybe i'll eat more. they don't have a drive-thru, and you don't need to stand outside and take orders, so i think this place will be more... bearable.
i went to the bookstore to finish my logic homework today. i like overhearing others' conversations while i study - there's always this really friendly employee who i see often. they're always there when i visit! they must work a lot. they have long hair, and they're always wearing this long black pleated skirt with a few straps and pouches hanging off of it. apparently when they lived in carmichael and worked together with a friend, they'd listen to audiobooks together during the commute.
after i finished my homework, i had planned to go to goodwill since i saw a really cute light pink jacket (with a star pattern on the inside of the hood) the last time i was there. it was a little thin, though, which is why i left it behind last visit. but they close early on sunday, and i was too busy doing homework to go. i'll go tomorrow, after my orthodontist appointment! i wish i could get light pink ties for my braces, but since they don't have that color, i will stick with light blue. i noticed my teeth have gotten pretty yellow, though :[ and one of my front teeth has a little indent in it because i would always bite my nails and it wittled away the bone. ah... we can't be perfect, can we?
anyway, i want to look for more mlp plushies or figures at goodwill - i hope to find some old g1-g3 ponies. i feel a little silly being 18 years old in the kids' section (i also look in the kids' section for clothes sometimes, that's where i found that jacket) but i've found a lot of good stuff over the years. i get lots of my cargo pants from the boys' section since men's clothes don't fit, usually... or, it's just hard to find a variety of styles in my size.
i also browsed some cute mother garden stuff and made a sideblog for it. i really like this strawberry chair, and even though i have enough to buy it, i am saving money (and i am unemployed, so it is hard to come by)... my room is already so messy as it is! maybe when i move out, i'll only bring a few things i like with me, to keep things neat.
(whispering softly) i do this to my cat too. ah... cats all over the world are held hostage listening to our obsessions
i enjoy following my thought process especially when i get carried away and go down web-rabbitholes. yesterday, i saw a video of someone wearing a mimikyu onesie (very cute), was overcome with the urge to buy it, then i realized i might want a onesie that's not mimikyu, right, i was looking at gloomy onesies a while ago, so i started browsing mercari for gloomy kigurumi. (they were all gone) then, i started looking for other pokemon onesies. leafeon is very cute. if i was an eeveelution i would want to be leafeon. but i've also been told i'm like glaceon! anyway, i was absentmindedly searching 'kigurumi' on mercari (in english, i don't usually do this) and i came across this cute little guy!
really cute, right?! i love seeing the different way artists stylize cats (nekojiru, etc). the artist is akiko ikeda, she also writes picture books with these cats, such as "dayan's birthday"! the dayan franchise also has plushies, phone cases, ceramics, even mochikororin... ahhh!!! in my searches i've even found life-size statues and fursuit cosplays of the characters. i didn't know it was so popular! i'll talk more about akiko ikeda in the section, since this is just my journal heheh :'3.
i've also been very into kaiji... i've read so many chapters! i'm at one-poker hen right now. i think fukumoto-san inadvertantly invented gay romance (holding up a sign that says 'kaiji is bl. you guys just don't know it yet'). it's likely fkmt wrote kazuya as simply pessimistic when it comes to romance, which he is (i think he has an unconventional conception of it, he's attracted to people based on how challenging they are rather than how kindly they treat him or how conventionally attractive they might be). when he was younger, he seemed to hang around lots of women due to social obligation or, because they just threw themselves at his feet being hyoudou's son. for instance, when he said that "it was probably just the alcohol and the women, but i felt like i had real friends". they're like chess pieces, he's offering money & women & booze to the guys so he can actually feel close to someone. especially considering his novel, i think he views all women as shallow & incapable of loving, so he wouldn't be open to relationships with them anyway.
i also got the new pokemon remake on switch (shining pearl)! yay! slowly making my way through it. my team changes every second because i want to finish the pokedex, so i keep switching out pokemon to level them up. went to daiso in sacramento and got some cute things. grid notebook perfect for kanji practice, rilakkuma alcohol wipes, little page markers for my books, cat socks. i actually don't have a car right now, because my dad periodically sells every car he has so the only working ones are his & my mom's. but when i do get my own, i want to tidy it up and put my little hamster air freshener in it.