09/08/2022 it's tiring. it's all so tiring. there is nothing remarkable about this life. there is no reason for anything i do.
09/06/2022 i literally dont know whether i want to keep the same homepage layout throughout i seriously designed this layout to be used on all my pages or almost all of them and now its kind of getting to be a pain but who cares we are sticking with it IT TOOK SO MUCH WORK
06/26/2022 maybe it just comes naturally, but i can "decide" to do many things, but not art. some skills take more time to master than art. or maybe im just less critical of hobbies i try on a whim. it's probably the latter
06/24/2022 i see people who act like me, perhaps even share some of the same tendencies or inclinations and i wonder if they wonder where it came from, if there are cogs in motion that propel them towards these "special experiences" that are so isolating yet universal
06/23/2022 note to self, write essay on the paradox of social work. I tweeted about this but I lost the account. the paradox is that the more skilled in your practice you become, the more limited your clientele becomes. high paying jobs in social work serve a limited population. this is just my impression though, it may not be actually true... -_- I simply find it disheartening
06/15/2022 I have never had a good high. I still feel groggy and out of it
05/15/2022 currently in the bathroom crying because buyee was down so I couldn't buy THIS FUCKING ETC OP I LOVED SO MUCH BUT WAS HESITANT BECAUSE IM SHORT ON MONEY AND THEN SOMEONE BOUGHT IT ADN THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IS SELLING IT FOR 15,000 YEN. PLEASE STOP THIS. i'm not going to buy it for that price when I could have gotten it for 6,000.... but i'm so....
04/21/2022 a heart that's full up like a landfill... a job that slowly kiiiiills you...
04/01/2022 it's been more than a week since I lost my apple pen and I think i'm starting to go a little crazy...
03/29/2022 YOGURTUPDATE: I did not get trader joes french village cream line whole milk yogurt because it was not at my trader joes but I got brown cow cream top whole milk yogurt which slays + 2lb strawberry @ $1.99 which is a steal
03/29/2022 jack of some master of none
02/28/2022 a bit ago my friend messaged me someones icon and asked if I knew what this cat was... it was dayan... I really hope dayan doesn't become cult famous like nekojiru... well, i'm happy that dayan has fans, but I also want him to be MINE!!!!!
02/28/2022 thinking about mabels yogurt ranking video and I want trader joes french village cream line whole milk yogurt now
02/26/2022 every day I mourn giving up on my dream to go to art school. cycled through about 3 prospective majors, constantly worrying over if what I was going to do would make enough $$$ to support myself. I dunno, I just miss that bright-eyed kid who took a full load of art classes ... I even wish I stayed in high school, my art teacher wanted me to stay and build a portfolio, he even wanted me to stay and take his class like, like i'd just go to hs for art and do whatever else I wanted to do on the side, I miss it so much, I hate that I can't draw anymore
02/09/2022 'with you its always whos the victim' ah... I may have a problem
12/23/2021 i'm always trying to find meaning in things, but it's hard. I haven't really been keeping in touch with anyone in real life either. they're all going to berkeley & partying & they actually have people to hang out on halloween w/. whenever I hang out w/ my friend after a long time i'm surprised at how much I struggle doing Normal Person Things like talking without stuttering or keeping a conversation going. I often feel like a different person. I hate my voice again!!!!! I don't know if I want it to be deeper or if I just want it to be More Comfortable. I often feel like i'm talking too loud, but I know i'm not, because people have a hard time hearing me, but when you're constantly trying to project your voice, it comes out weird and doesn't really sound like you. I really feel like I could only talk to one person without hating every inch of myself & if i'm mentally ill for that, well. that's okay. I think so.
12/17/2021 I burnt through 2 seasons of kaiji and im reading the manga now. it's so good.
12/11/2021 YEP. I CAN JUST HOPE THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE IGNORES MY CRINGE / PRETENTIOUS / FREAKISHLY SELF-DISCLOSING PERSONAL ESSAYS. THEY ARE NOT HELPING MY CHANCES. THE SHAME IS CREEPING IN.
12/11/2021 I talked to [A] about mothers/intergenerational trauma yesterday and it was really nice. and cathartic. wow. maybe my relationship w/ my mother does predispose me to codependency. it's just... funny how I didn't notice this stuff before
12/03/2021 I wish I had a great conception of love. as this pure great thing. that I have an unlimited capacity for. that I don't need in return. that I can just keep on loving & loving and I won't ever get tired of it. I do
12/03/2021 sometimes when I cry I want to tell people I am. despite how unnatural and disjointed it is to tell someone you're crying. why?????? even mention it. look at me. im not emotionless. im proving something.
12/03/2021 I think. theres something so insidious about parents simultaneously infantilizing and pushing adulthood onto their children. depending on what they want. when they want to control you, you're a kid. when they don't want obligation towards you, you're an adult.
12/01/2021 days that blur together. I had the most [i forgot the word to describe it] agonizing conversation with my mom last night (meaning, the night of 11/30, because it's just past midnight and that's why the date of this entry is like that, so from my perspective it's more like tonight, but I wrote last night anyway, because it feels so far away it might as well have been last night), which ended in me crying really loud in the car and laughing and leaving w/ my cheeks still hot and really just pretending that everything is fine.
11/28/2021 applied to UCs 6 days ago. UCLA/UCB/UCI/UCSD. largely on impulse & I didn't exactly choose schools w/ great acceptance rates (i'm really only counting on UCI/UCSD). despite the transfer acceptance rate for UCSD being 50% I still... my mom told me i'm "not a good investment", like i'm. an expired piece of meat. because I talked about going to the hospital. I get it: nobody wants to admit someone who solely defines themselves through their suffering, who Might Possibly Commit Suicide On Their Campus. but what the fuck are people on about? about Hey, it sucks that there's Stigma, but the cold, hard Truth is that Admissions Officers don't want to see (Pause.) "negative" things, like (Pause.) "mental illness". or whatever. i'm about this close to donning a "I HATE NORMAL PEOPLE" shirt. call me conceited. but i'm just as qualified for being at [UNIVERSITY EXPUNGED] as [NAME REDACTED] is. I know i'm capable. I just ... can't prove it. which doesn't count for much. I guess.
11/28/2021 note to self: stay off prestigious circlejerk websites while applying to colleges. don't compromise your integrity for anyone.
11/27/2021 thinking about yoshitomo nara & NEVER FORGET YOUR BEGINNER'S SPIRIT ... expected, almost warranted praise & that out-of-left-field, out-of-the-ballpark-entirely praise which leaves you schoolgirl-giddy are two very different things, and you only get the latter when you're new to A Thing and Very Amateur about it and you don't know the value of your own work outside of the inherent value it has by virtue of being your own
11/27/2021 childish wonder on the mind, I have an ambivalent relationship with being childish / being perceived as such. i'm brainweird and can't divorce childishness from sex & sexual appeal which may be a testament to the ugliness of society or, a testament to the ugliness of the self. it's ingrained in my brain in some way, to be childish. my dad told me I wouldn't "actually" be an adult until 25. I wish I got the respect that came with being "an adult" yet I can't divorce myself from being "a child" without being inauthentic.